Almost as soon as I made that John Rick Rick and Morty shirt, I also decided that I’d kill myself that night. And paradoxically, I immediately felt happier. This is something to watch for in depressed people, incidentally a sudden, inexplicable brightening during a very dark depression can mean that the person has decided that suicide is a solution, and once they have a way out, they feel relieved. When I got back to my apartment, I looked at myself in the mirror. I was surprised that I didn’t look at all the way I felt. Inside, I felt calm, collected, purposeful. I felt more at ease than I had in months.
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The face in the mirror, though, was that of a dead John Rick Rick and Morty tshirt, walking. Sallow, tortured, desperate. I didn’t feel strong. I didn’t feel weak, or desperate. I had just decided that there was a way out. The only way I can describe the way I felt about it is matter-of-fact. This is how I felt while I began tying a noose with an electrical cord. I developed tunnel vision. I watched my hands tying the cord as if they were someone else’s. I felt removed; far away. But tying it was difficult, and I eventually became so frustrated and exasperated with the fact that I couldn’t even tie a simple knot properly that it distracted me from my terrible sense of purpose. And then I realised how insane my behaviour was. This wasn’t right. This wasn’t good. This was dangerous, and terrifying. And I didn’t want to die.
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